The Search for the Missing Apple
by Panthergirl
Summary: Harry has lost his apple and Ron and Hermione help him look for it. Can they find the apple with the help of Martin the Warrior? Best read when you're feeling silly.
1. Harry's Apple

**(My friend and I wrote this together We do not own any copyrighted material except for that bag of gummy worms.)**

It was a boring afternoon in the common room. Hermione was building a replica of the Eiffel Tower out of paper clips and Ron was studying. No, wait, reverse that. Ron was building a replica of the Eiffel Tower out of paperclips and Hermione was studying. Suddenly Harry rolled out from under the couch. "Hi, guys! What's up?" he said as he stood up.

"Hi, Harry. Why were you under the couch?" asked Ron and Hermione as if this was a perfectly normal occurance.

"I was looking for my apple. Have either of you seen it?" asked Harry.

"What did it look like?" asked Ron. Hermione smacked him. "

It was an apple, what do you think it looks like?"

"Well why'd you have to hit me for it?" he muttered, rubbing the side of his head.

"Where did you last see it?" asked Hermione. Harry thought for a moment.

"In the Great Hall, I think." he said.

Ron pulled on a detective outfit. "We'll help you find it! To the Great Hall!"

(In the Great Hall.)

"If I'm correct, your apple should be somewhere in the castle." said Ron.

"Well, that narrows it down a lot." muttered Hermione. "Let's start looking around."

"I'll look under the tables!" said Harry.

"I'll look in top of the tables!" said Ron.

"I'll look in the library!" said Hermione as she headed for the door.

"Hey! Get back here!" said Harry. Hermione reluctantly walked back muttering.

"Dangit. Three more seconds..."

"Wait, what's that under the table?" asked Ron. Harry looked.

"It's a mouse!" he exclaimed. Hermione and Ron quickly stood on a chair.

"EEK!"

The mouse came out from under the table. "I'm not a mouse! I'm Martin the warrior of Redwall!" he said. Harry, Ron, and Hermione stared at him. "Nevermind." Martin muttered. "Anyway, I came to myself in a dream and I told me that you needed help finding an apple, is that right?"

"Yes!" shouted Ron. "Have you seen the apple?" Martin shook his head.

"No, but I can help you find it with my sword."

"Okay, let's go look in the dormitories." said Hermione.

(In the dormitories)

"Let's split up and look around." said Martin. He walked around the room jabbing his sword under beds, even though this was a dangerous and pointless thing to do.

"Ow! My spleen!" said a voice that came from under the bed.

"AAA! EVIL MYSTERIOUS VOICE!" shouted Harry. He, Ron, Hermione, and Martin stood on a chair. The SAME chair.

"Who are you?" demanded Martin. A guy named Clem rolled out from under the bed.

"Hi, everybody!" he said. Every known character from all the books poked their heads in through the door, windows, and cupboards.

"Hi, Clem!" they all said and then they went back to what they were doing. Hermione blinked.

"Wow, Clem sure is popular." she said.

"Clem!" exclaimed Harry. "I thought you said I was your only friend!" Clem inched towards the window nervously.

"Oh, heh heh, look at the time! I've gotta go defy physics see ya!" Clem jumped out the window.

Ron ran over to the window and called out "Wait, Clem! You forgot your parachute!" he threw the parachute down to Clem, which exploded the moment he caught it. Fred walked into the room.

"Hey, have you seen my exploding parachute?" he asked.

"No." said Ron. "Have you checked the Great Hall?"

"Ok, I'll go look there.' Fred left the room.

"Let's go look in the library!" said Hermione.

(In the library)

"Ron! Get off that!" shouted Hermione.

"I'm just practicing my rock climbing!" protested Ron.

"Not on the ceiling light fixtures!"

"You never let me have any fun." Ron grumbled as he climbed down. Martin tapped Hermione on the shoulder.

"Can I practice with my sword in here?" he asked.

"No!" snapped Hermione.

"Oops." Martin muttered as he shoved twenty- seven chopped up books under the rug. Several random students tripped over the lump.

"Hermione, I REALLY don't think my apple is in here." said Harry.

"Can't talk. Reading."

(Two hours later)

"Can we go now?" asked Harry. Hermione sighed.

"Okay, I guess."

"YAY!" shouted Harry, Ron, and Martin.

"Let's go look in the Forbidden Forest!" said Martin. "

NOT YAY!" shouted Ron and Harry.

"But its forbidden." said Ron.

"Of course!" said Hermione. "That's why it's called the Forbidden Forest and not the Everyone-Go-Run-Around-In- Here Forest."

"Ah."

(In the Forbidden Forest)

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! SPIDERS! RUN AWAY!" they screamed as they ran back into the common room.

"I don't think we'll ever find my apple." muttered Harry.

"Don't worry, we'll find it." said Hermione encouragingly.

"Hey, Harry." said Ron "Was it a red apple?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Was it round?"

"Yes."

"Did it have your name written on it?"

"Yes."

"Oh." He paused. "I ate that." Everyone stared at him. "Case closed!" he yelled. Harry started chasing Ron around the room. Hermione took pictures of them. "Well, that's that! Let's have a party!" said Martin. "Ok." said Hermione. Every known character from the books ran into the room and started partying.


	2. Ron's Apple

**(In this episode, Ron has lost his apple and Martin is getting tired of this so he had Tammo (a hare of the long patrol) take his place in the story. He has a dirk instead of a sword. I have no idea what that is but it's sharp and pointy.)**

Hermione was studying as usual, Harry was standing in the corner because Hermione put him in time-out for repeating himself himself, and Tammo was eating chocolate frogs. And of course, no one thought it was unusual at all for a six-foot tall hare to be hanging around. Ron rolled out from under the couch. "Hi, Ron!" said Harry, Hermione and Tammo. Ron stood up.

"Hi guys! Have you seen my apple?" he asked.

"Here we go again!" muttered Hermione.

"You jolly well lose a lot of flippin things in this bally joint, wot wot!" said Tammo.

Harry looked over his shoulder. "Hermione, can I come out of the corner now?" Hermione nodded.

"Ok, your time out's been over for half an hour anyway."

"WHAT?"

"Well, I figured you'd get bored and wander off eventually!"

"Forget it!" said Harry as he put on a detective outfit. "We've got an apple to find!" Hermione ran to the door.

"To the library!" she shouted.

"I'm on to you..." muttered Ron.

They went to the library and looked around. "Tammo!" yelled Hermione. "Stop that!" Tammo looked up from what he was doing. "It's just a bit of flippin target practice gel!" he protested.

Hermione shook her head. "Not on the first years!"

"Sheesh!" Tammo muttered to Ron. "Can't jolly well spot evil now, can she?"

Ron tried to stifle a chuckle as he said. "Shut up and help find my apple." Harry looked at Hermione who was pulling books off the shelves.

"Hermione, did you trick us into coming here just so you could read?" he asked.

"Harry, I'm not going to lie to you." she said, and then buried her nose in a book.

"Really?"

"Can't talk. Reading."

Three hours later they were still in the library and Hermione wasn't moving for anything! Sure they had tried using crowbars and had even brought in some wild horses, but that didn't work out too well. Instead, it just left a bunch of hoof prints all over the library. Getting bored with torturing first years Tammo wondered over to where Hermione was sitting. "Um Hermione ole gel, I think we'd best leave now!"

"Why?"

"Because I was practicin with the ole dirk, ya know, and that woman over there seems a bit agitated about it."

"RUN!" The four of them quickly left the library and went to the astronomy tower. Tammo looked out across the land.

"Hey! I can see Redwall from here! No wait, that's a bally ole church!" Ron looked around.

"Here, apple!" he called. Everyone stared at him. "Nevermind." he mumbled. Suddenly, Clem jumped out from behind a brick and started fencing with Tammo.

"Touché, sah!" shouted the hare. "Dodge! Parry! Lunge!"

They did this for a few more moments before Tammo disarmed Clem. "What are you doing here anyway?" asked Harry.

Clem pulled out an enormous bowl of kiwi fruit and said "I brought kiwi for everyone!" Suddenly every known character in the books ran over to Clem and took a kiwi. "

Thanks, Clem!" they all said in unison, and then they stampeded out. Clem got trampled in the process.

"Ow! My appendix!" moaned Clem.

"What about your spleen?" said Ron. Clem stood up.

"I had it removed."

Tammo looked up from the dozen kiwis that he was eating. "Mmm! Splendid fruits you got there chap!" Clem put on a parachute.

"Hey, maybe Ron's apple is in the common room." he said before jumping off the tower. The parachute exploded.

"How did Clem know Ron's apple was missing?" wondered Hermione. She was on the verge of discovering theuniversal secret of how Clem knew when Fred walked up to them. "I still can't find my Exploding Parachute!" he said. Ron looked at him quizzically

"I thought you already lost one."

"It's the same one, it just fixes itself over and over again. Have you seen it?"

"Have you checked the dormitories?"

"Ok, I'll go look there." Fred walked out of the tower.

Tammo finished his kiwi. "What say we go have a look in the jolly ole common room, wot?"

Five minutes later, they walked into the common room. "Wait a minute Ron, we've already looked here." said Harry.

"I know." said Ron. "It doesn't hurt to check again though." They looked around the room for a while.

"What I want to know, though," said Hermione. "Is why we're spending the day looking for apples when we could be working on our fifteen page report."

"Do I look like I'm made of time?" asked Ron.

Tammo's ears stood straight up. "Say! That reminds me, ole chap, I know a little ditty about time! It goes something like this: Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh-"

"NO! No, that's okay, we don't need a song!"

"Hmph! Rotters! Never lettin a chap have a jolly bit of fun" muttered Tammo.

Harry turned to Ron. "Hey, Ron, was your apple red?"

"Yes."

"Was it round?"

"Yes."

"Did it have your name on it?"

"Yes."

"Did you eat it?"

"Yes."

They all got very quiet, realizing what had just happened. "Case jollyflippinballywell closed!" Tammo announced triumphantly. They all did the victory dance.


	3. Hermione's Apple

**(My friend, shortjunk and I have finally gotten the whole dang thing written. It's taken us all week to convert it from script format to story format, so we sincerely hope you all enjoy it and have as much fun reading it as we did writing it.)**

Harry was in the common room, doing yoga. Tammo had gotten tired of looking for apples and had Triss (squirrel) take his place in the story.Everyone still thought that the big animals weren't unusualat all, and the regular cast thought nothing of thefact that the creatures from various Redwall novels seemed to be taking turns appearing in the story.Ron was building a small fort out of the couch cushions, only getting away with it by saying that he was looking for Hermione. "Harry, have you seen Hermione?" he asked, to further prove his point.

"Can't talk. Doing yoga."

Hermione rolled out from under the couch. "Wow, so_that's_ where all the dust was coming from. Oh, hi guys! Have you seen my apple?" Triss jumped off the chair she was sitting on.

"An apple is missing you say? Then let's not waste time talking!"

Harry and Ron started putting on their detective outfits.The other students in the room had gotten used to this.Hermione sighed. "What is it with you two and detective outfits?" she asked.

"They look cool. Plus they were two for a dollar at Wal-Mart."

"What is it with everybody and Wal-Mart?"

George, who was apparently eavesdropping, said. "But everyone shops at Wal- Mart!"

Triss drew her sword. "Will you get out of here you great lug?"

"Sorry!"

After George left, Triss put her sword back in her scabbard. "Right then, where will we search first?" H

ermione eagerly ran to the door. "Quick, to the library!" Harry tried to stop her. "Oh, no you don't!"

Five minutes later, they were all in the library AGAIN. "I can't believe she tricked us into coming here again." said Ron. Harry shrugged.

"Well, it IS the most likely place she would have dropped her apple."

"Really?" asked Triss.

"Oh, don't get me started!" the boys said at the same time.

Ron tapped Hermione on the shoulder. "Hermione, will you at least look for the stupid apple instead of reading the whole time?"

"Can't talk. Reading."

(Four hours later.)

"Triss!" yelled Hermione. "Stop that!" Triss was busy holding Malfoy at swordpoint. "Stop what?" she asked.

"Stop...never mind, keep going." said Hermione. Triss shrugged and turned back to Malfoy, who was freaking out seeing as he was the only one who realized that squirrels from Redwall weren't common in Hogwarts.

"Now, if you EVER call me names again..."

Hermione started pushing Harry and Ron out of the library. "Let's go now." she said.

"Aw, man!" protested Ron, "We wanna watch Triss cut up Malfoy!"

"Too late, she just tied him to a shelf and gagged him."

Triss walked over to the trio, dusting her paws off. "Ok, where to next?" They wandered up to some room on the twelfth floor.

"Why would my apple be here?" asked Hermione. "I've never been here in my life!"

Triss pointed at something. "Hey, what's that in the corner?" Clem walked out of the dark corner. As he did so, lightning flashed, scary music played and it was suddenlynighttime.

"It's me again!"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione groaned. "NOT AGAIN!"

Triss studied Clem for a moment. "Who's that?" she asked.

Suddenly, every known character from the books poked their heads in from the door, windows, and cupboards. "THAT'S CLEM!" they all said in unison and then disappeared again. Triss blinked twice.

"Wow, what a crowd! Do you know all those people?"

"Don't ask." muttered Hermione. Clem's lower lip trembled.

"You don't know me?" he asked before he started sobbing hysterically.

Hermione threw up her hands in disgust and marched to the door. "That's it! HEY, GUYS! GET HIM!" Rutt and Tuke, the moose from Brother Bear ran in.A lot of people thought this was perfectly normal, but some knew better.

"Get who, eh?" asked Rutt. Tuke looked around. "I think she means Clem."

"Of course she means Clem!"

"That's what I said, eh."

Rutt and Tuke trampled Clem several times, then head-butted him out the window. As he fell, Clem muttered to himself. "Here we go again! They're gonna throw that exploding parachute out the window at me, I know it! I can't believe that squirrel didn't know me! Who doesn't know me? I'm CLEM!"

Meanwhile, down below Clem, Fred and George were sitting on the ground beside their Exploding Parachute. "I finally found the Exploding Parachute!" exclaimed Fred.

"Awesome! Who are we gonna test it on?"

"Your guess is as good as mine."

Clem landed on the parachute which exploded YET AGAIN. "Cool!" said George. "It works!"

"Let's go celebrate! Drinks all around!"

Back up on the twelfth floor, Rutt and Tuke were saying good-bye. "Well, see you later, eh." said Rutt. "We gotta go eat some grass."

"Thanks for getting rid of Clem for us."said Hermione, looking out the windowthey had thrown Clem out of.

"Oh, don't mention it." said Tuke. "He was pretty creepy, eh? Course, he did give us those nice kiwis..." The two moose left to go eat grass.

"Hey! I just remembered something!" exclaimed Hermione.

"What?" asked Ron.

"I never had an apple!"

"WHAT?"

"You mean we've been searching for an apple that doesn't exist?" asked Triss.

Hermione shrugged. "Well, first Harry lost his apple, then Ron lost his apple so I thought that I had an apple too!"

"That makes sense." said Harry.

Ron was still not satisfied. "But what about our detective outfits?"

Triss thought for a moment. "We can stillhave a costume party!"

"Ok!"

Two hours later, they were hosting a costume party out on the grounds. Harry and Ron were having a race to see who would be Sherlock Holmes, Fred and George were dressed up as each other (no one really noticed) while their exploding parachutes were selling like hotcakes. Triss was getting a lot of compliments on how good her squirrel costume was before she finally drew her sword yelling "For the last time, I'M NOT WEARING A COSTUME!" and sending a group of first years running and screaming.


	4. Here We Go Again

**(Here we are! Chapter four! This one is gonna be slightly longer then the last three. Oh, guess who loses an apple in this one! Go on, guess!)**

The story starts out in the common room once again.We didn't have enough money in the budget to change locations and besides, we've already set everything up there.Hermione was looking for everyone else. Suddenly, Harry, Ron, Martin, Tammo, and Triss rolled out from under the couch. Hermione stared at them slack-jawed. "How did all of you fit under that couch?"

"Nevermind that, we've lost our apples!" announced Martin. Hermione was busy measuring the couch to see how it was physically possible for five people to fit under it. After all, it was a pretty narrow couch.

"Huh? All five of you?" Triss shook her head.

"No, just me, Martin and Tammo."

"Then why were you two under the couch?" asked Hermione. By now she was on her hands and knees, looking under the couch. She never noticed teh trapdoor.

"We were looking for you!" said Ron matter-of-factly. Hermione stood up.

"Why would I be under the couch?"

"I dunno. Why would Harry and I leave our apples in the library?" he retorted.

"Speaking of library..."

They tried to protest. "NO MA'AM! WE ARE NOT GOING BACK TO THE LIBRARY. NO WAY!"

(Seven minutes later...)

They were in the library again. "Have you noticed that she's very persuasive?" asked Triss.

Martin sighed. "I wonder when she'll give us our weapons back."

Harry sighed. "I wonder when she'll give us our detective outfits back."

Tammo grinned cheerfully. "Not to worry, chaps! Martin and I will have us out of here in record time!"

Two minutes later, the six of them were standing outside the library. Hermione glared at Tammo and Martin. "How in the world...did you manage...to get us banned...from the library...in TWO MINUTES!"

"Talent!" said Martin. Meanwhile, in the library, a group of teachers was trying to get some first years sown from the ceiling and wondering how they were superglued up there.

They wandered out onto the grounds and by the lake. No reason. They were just bored and they didn't want to go back to the common room. Meaning that we had to pack up the cameras and equipment and haul the whole bloody load out there...but I'm not complaining!Then Clem jumped up out of nowhere and said "Why did you have two moose throw me out a twelfth- floor window?" he asked.

"Because if they hadn't done that then I would've had to hurt you." threatened Hermione. "Now get lost!"

"Why?"

Suddenly every known character from the books ran up to them. "Because she says so, Clem!" they all said in unison. Then they all ran away and went back to what they were doing.

"I wonder why everyone shows up whenever we're talking to Clem." said Harry.

Martin shrugged. "Maybe they're eavesdropping on us.

Then every known character from the books ran back up to them and said "No, we're not!" in unison and then went back to where they came from.

"That was weird." said Ron.

Meanwhile, Clem was getting into a boat and sailing out into the lake. "Ha ha! You'll never catch me now suckers!" he yelled.

"What's he yelling about? Asked Triss.

Martin shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe he's insane. And how come we all seem to be doing a lot of shrugging lately?" Just then, Fred walked up.

"Hey guys, have you seen-"

"We know, your exploding parachute. No we haven't seen it." said Harry.

"No, not the parachute, this time I'm looking for my self-dissolving boat."

The seven of them looked out into the lake where Clem was rowing. Suddenly, the boat dissolved and Clem went under. "ALL RIGHT! IT WORKS!" cheered Fred. "It dissolved the right way!"

"What about Clem?" asked Tammo.

Fred shrugged. "He can swim, can't he?"

Hermione peered out across the lake. "Doesn't look like it." After a few minutes of watching the lake, everyone got bored and wandered off, forcing teh rest of us to follow with all the heavy recording equipment _again._ Then Triss, Tammo, and Martin remembered that they lost their apples.

"Hey! We were supposed to be looking for our apples!" exclaimed Martin.

"Oh yeah." said Harry. "I was so busy watching Clem that I forgot all about that!"

"Let's go look in the Great Hall!" said Triss. So of course they all ran to the Great Hall.

"I don't see any apples in here!" said Ron.

They were about to leave when Tammo suddenly exclaimed "Look! It's my bally apple!" Sure enough, sitting on a table was Tammo's apple.

"Are you sure that's your apple?" asked Hermione.

"Of course it is! It has Tammo De Fformelo written on it right here!"

Sure enough, it did. They all decided to go look for the remaining two apples somewhere else. "Tammo, where'd your apple go?" asked Harry.

Tammo shrugged. "Mmmfh?"

"Never mind. And let's all try to cut down on the shrugging. It's getting old."

They wandered all over the place. Suddenly a girl jumped out from behind a door. She had long, flowing hair, bright eyes, a perfect body, and a tragic past and- "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! IT'S A MARY-SUE! RUN AWAY!"

Wait, how'd THAT get in there? Hang on, I'll fix it.

The Mary-Sue was instantly mailed to Taiwan and everybody celebrated it. Well, they celebrated after learning what a Mary-Sue was. There, that's better. Now, on with the story! The search for the missing apples continued and a special team was sent out to repair the fourth wall."Why don't we go look in the Forbidden Forest?" asked Triss.

"Wait, I already though we agreed that the forest was forbidden?" said Harry.

"Well, maybe if we rename the forest then it won't be forbidden." suggested Ron.

"No, that won't work. What if we just pretend we don't know we're in the forest?" asked Hermione.

Martin shook his head. "Naw, what if we just run into the forest screaming, look around a bit, then run back out screaming?"

"That works."

(Three minutes later.)

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" they yelled as they ran into the forest. They stopped as they got a good ways in. "So, where do we look first?" asked Hermione.

"How about over there?" suggested Triss. They walked three yards and then Martin tripped on something.

"Hey Martin! It's your apple!" exclaimed Ron. Martin picked up the apple which had 'Martin the Warrior' written on it.

"Hey, it IS my apple!" he cried happily.

"Now let's run out of the forest screaming!" said Harry.

"Ok."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" they screamed as they ran out of the forest. They ran back inside the castle and into the common room, where we had to set up the equipment _again_ because we'd been following the cast around with it. Oh no, they couldn't just _stay_ in the common room where we'd spent _three hours_ setting up! _No_, they had to go on an _adventure_! Shutting up now...

They stopped right before they ran into the wall. "Think anyone noticed?" asked Hermione. Everyone shook their heads.

"I'm back!" shouted Clem, who had just wandered into the room dripping with water.

Everyone groaned. "I thought you drowned!" said Martin.

"You know, I did too, and I still have no idea how I got back in here." said Clem. Before he could say anything else, they tackled him, tied him up, painted him green, stuffed a brick in his mouth, and threw him out the window with an exploding parachute. Then they all sat down to take a break.

"Well, I don't think we'll be seeing much of Clem anymore." said Triss.

"Whose idea was it to paint him green?" asked Hermione. Tammo raised his paw. Triss sighed.

"What's wrong, Triss?" asked Harry.

"We still haven't found my apple!"

"Maybe it's under the couch." suggested Ron.

"But I already looked under there!" said Triss. "Remember when we rolled out from under it?" she crawled under the couch. "See? There's no apple under- YAY! I FOUND MY APPLE!" cheered Triss. She rolled out from under the couch, happily clutching her apple.

"Wow! You apple really was under there!" exclaimed Harry.

Triss nodded. "I even found Hermione's apple."

"I thought I didn't have an apple!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Well, apparently you did." said Martin. "Let's celebrate! Who wants to go to Redwall?" Five hands shot up into the air.

"Well, that's jolly well settled then." announced Tammo. "Let's go!"

So they all went to Redwall for a vacation and beat up stoats and had a party.


	5. The Bonus Chapter We Added For No Reason

(We decided to write another chapter just for the heck of it.)  
  
Harry, Ron, Hermione, Martin, Triss, Tammo, and Clem were sitting around a table in the common room eating milk and cookies. They were having a casual conversation. "So Clem." said Harry. "Are you planning on losing an apple any time soon?"  
  
"Nah, I'm more of a kiwi person myself."  
  
"Anyone want another cookie?" asked Hermione. "What kind are they?" asked Ron.  
  
"Sugar."  
  
"Eh... oh well. Give me one."  
  
She passed him the tray. Triss added some chocolate to the milk. "Anyone want chocolate milk?" she asked. Everyone raised their hands so she passed the milk around. Suddenly Tammo looked up. He got a confused look on his face and motioned for the others to look. All of them stared out of the computer screen at the people reading the story.  
  
"Hey, why are they still here?" whispered Martin. Ron shrugged. "I guess they don't know the story is over."  
  
"How can they think the story's still going? We found all the apples!" said Harry. "Here, let me handle this." said Hermione. She stood up and addressed the readers. "Hey! Why are you people still here? You've already read the story! We've found all the apples! You can go now!"  
  
"Uh-oh, Hermione?" said Triss.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I'm looking at the script here, apparently there's supposed to be a fifth chapter." She said. Hermione sat back down at the table. "What are we doing in the fifth chapter?" she asked. "I don't know!" said Triss. "It only says 'ad lib'. It doesn't say anything else!"  
  
"Well, these people are expecting a fifth chapter, so we should give them a fifth chapter." said Harry. "Then they'll go away and we can finish our snack." Tammo, meanwhile, has finished all the cookies. Ron looked at the tray in shock. "But we're already done!"  
  
"Who ate all the cookies?!?" demanded Clem. Tammo looked away innocently. "I dunno, laddie buck. They were there just a minute ago." Meanwhile Triss and Hermione were quickly deciding what to do for the fifth chapter. "Ok! We've got it!" they shouted.  
  
"What?" asked Martin. Hermione put the script away. "We're going to learn about apples!" She said cheerfully. Everyone except her and Triss groaned. Clem stood up. "Well, it's been fun but I gotta go now! See ya!" he said as he ran out of the room. "Chicken." muttered Ron. Suddenly they were all in the library. "Okay now," said Hermione. "The first thing you need to know about apples is that they grow on trees." Everyone wrote this down. "Apples are fruit, and they have seeds." She continued. Suddenly, Hermione tripped and knocked over a bookshelf, which did a little domino thing with all the other bookshelves.  
  
"What happened?" exclaimed Harry. Tammo laughed. "I just discovered that whatever we write in the script actually happens!" he exclaimed. "Give me that!" shouted Hermione as she grabbed the script and wrote something in it. Tammo was suddenly glued to the ceiling. "Hey, this is fun!" she said. Tammo sulked. "I want to try!" said Triss as she snatched the script. She wrote something down and Ron was immediately hit on the head with an apple. He looked up and a whole pile of apples fell on him.  
  
"Hey, give me that!" he yelled as he came out from under the apples. He wrote in the script and Triss was instantly pelted by little suction cup darts and fell into a pit of clams. "Hey!" she shouted. Harry picked up the script. "I've got an idea!" Clem came into the room. "Hi every-" Every known character from the books showed up.  
  
"HI CLEM!"  
  
"Will you get outta here?!?!?" whined Clem. Harry quickly wrote 'Clem jumps out the window every ten minutes but it takes him nine minutes and fifty- seven seconds to get back up here.'  
  
"Hey!" shouted Clem as he ran and jumped out the window. Meanwhile Martin had unglued Tammo to the ceiling. "Hey, where's the bally script?" he asked. They all noticed that the script was missing! "Uh-oh." muttered Ron. Suddenly the six of them had formed a conga line and energetic dance music started playing. "What the... What's going on?!" shouted Hermione. Clem ran by and jumped out the window.  
  
"I think someone else found the script!" said Harry. Then they were walking through a huge pile of apples. "It's like a nightmare, but with apples!" said Martin. They were still in the library, though. "Who has the script? We've got to find it!" said Triss as they did various gymnastics tricks. Suddenly Rutt and Tuke came out from behind a corner and Clem ran by and jumped out the window.  
  
"Oh, sorry eh." said Rutt. "We just found this script that Harry was holding and we decided to write a story."  
  
"Yeah, but big nose here broke the pen, eh." said Tuke, "and we kinda broke the script." He motioned to a shredded piece of paper in the corner. Clem ran by and jumped out the window. "What's wrong with Clem, eh?"  
  
"Oh, forget him. Let's go to Pizza Hut!" said Tammo. And so they all went to Pizza Hut and ate lots of pizza, had a salad fight, and got kicked out by the manager. But they showed him! They stole all the arcade games!  
  
The End (For real this time.)

(Three days later)

Clem ran by and jumped out the window. As he did, he yelled "Will someone _please_ erase that part of the script?" Everyone waved at him as he jumped out the window. Tammo popped up. "Sorry, ole chap, it's written in pen, don'cha know?"

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Clem as he fell.


	6. We Lied

(Ok...we lied. The story's not over yet, we just now thought of ideas for more chapters! So since we lied about this chapter, everyone in the story will lie in this chapter at least once! Can you catch all the lies? If you can, tell us how many there were in your review.)

The story starts out in the common room. Again. Everyone rolled out from under the couch. Not EVERYBODY! All the people who were not Harry, Ron, Hermione, Triss, Tammo, or Martin said "Aw…" and left the room. "Whew! That's a relief." said Harry as he closed the door behind them. "You know, there were some people there who I've never seen before in my life!"

Triss rolled out from under the fireplace. "Guess what?" she asked. Everyone else asked "What?"

"We're out of apples!"

"GASP!"

Tammo looked up from the window where he was busy watching Clem jump. "Huh? Oh! GASP!"

"Where are we going to get more apples?" asked Harry. Hermione stood up. "I know!" she exclaimed. "Not the library again!" shouted the others. She pouted. "Of course not! I was going to suggest we go to the apple orchard that just happens to be conveniently located outside for one chapter only."

"Where's that?" asked Martin. Hermione pointed out the window. "Out there of course. Follow me!" she ran out the door. "Do you think she's going to lead us to the library again?" asked Ron.

"Nah, that would be too predictable." said Tammo. They followed Hermione out the door. Five minutes later, they were well on their way to the…..

….orchard! (Hah! You though she was going to lead them to the library again, didn't you? Thought you had the whole story figured out, didn't you?) As they walked to the orchard they passed Fred and George's newly founded Museum of Clem. Yes, they were charging people to watch Clem jump out the window repeatedly. They've got waaaaay too much free time, don't they? A crowd had gathered.

"As you can clearly see, Clem continues to jump out the window." said Fred.

"Says Capitan Obvious." muttered George.

"No one knows why, but he's the twenty-sixth wonder of the world." As they spoke, Clem had jumped out the window, splatted onto the target painted on the concrete, and then got up and ran to go do it again. "He'll jump no matter what." said George. "Does anyone have any sharp, pointy objects they'd like to put on the target for Clem to land on?" he asked.

Half of the crowd stepped forwards and placed their sharp pointy objects on the target. One student raised his hand.

"Yes? Do you have a question?"

"I don't have any sharp pointy objects. Can I use this cactus instead?"

"Certainly! Clem won't know the difference."

The cactus was placed on the target just as Clem jumped out the window. He landed on it. (duh) "OW! OWIE! OH THAT HURTS! I FIND THIS INCREDIBLY UNPLEASENT! OW! TOO MANY SHARP POINTY OBJECTS! I REALLY DISLIKE THIS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Clem yelled, and he jumped up again to go jump out the window.

"Good old Clem!" exclaimed Fred. "Okay, now who wants to go to the souvenir shop?" Everyone raised their hands.

In the orchard…

"So now what?" asked Tammo. They looked around at all the trees. "Maybe we should find an apple tree." They looked at each tree. Then they decided to actually get up and pick something. "Let's see…" said Harry. "Banana tree….peach tree….pear tree…orange tree…family tree…"

A group of people sitting in the tree waved at them.

"Christmas tree…"

They walked past the tree with the pretty blinking lights and ornaments.

"Okay, that's way too many tree puns." said Ron. "Ah! Here's that apple tree!" They all reached up and picked an apple. "Well, anyone want to do anything else before we go lose these?" asked Hermione.

Tammo thought really hard. "I know! FOOD FIGHT!" he yelled. Instantly all the students and teachers were in the orchard picking fruit and throwing it at each other.

"Hey, good idea!" exclaimed Hermione as she threw her apple at someone. Suddenly Clem walked by with some donuts and hot coffee. "Hey Clem!" shouted Harry. "Aren't you supposed to be jumping out the window?"

"I'm on my break!"

"I didn't know you had a break."

"Well, I do!"

"Forget that!" shouted Ron. "It's a food fight!"

"All right!" exclaimed Clem. "Donut, anyone?" After a few seconds he tried to throw the donuts only to be stopped by Tammo, who grabbed one in midair, took a bite and threw it at an unsuspecting victim.

Suddenly Clem threw his incredibly hot coffee and it hit Malfoy in the head. "Owie! You guys are mean! I'm leaving!" He exclaimed. Gasping, everyone froze. All motion stopped, even the food in midair. He looked around nervous "Uhh, errrr, I said, I'll get you for this Clem!" Everyone sighed in unison "Ohhhhhhh, resume!"

Everyone started fighting again. As stuff hit Malfoy and bounced off of him, he said to himself "It's good to be cool." Then he got hit in the head with a watermelon.

Ron picked up another watermelon. 'Wow!" exclaimed Harry. "Which tree was growing those?"

"Hey, guys!" Hermione yelled to them. "What did we come out here for in the first place?" Ron and Harry shrugged. "I don't know. You're supposed to be the one to remember!"

"I can't know everything!"

Harry looked around. "Has anyone seen Martin, Triss and Tammo?" They looked around. "Huh, I wonder where they've gotten to."

MEANWHILE...

Martin, Triss, and Tammo were sitting in a tree. "Where'd everyone go?" asked Martin. Triss shrugged. "Who knows? Someone will find us eventually.

BACK IN THE STORY...

"So what do you guys want to do now?" asked Ron.

"Wanna go watch Clem jump out the window repeatedly?"

"Sure!"

And so they all went to the Museum of Clem and had fun watching Clem jump out the window every ten minutes.

**(Well, thus ends another chapter. So how many lies did you find in the whole thing? Just review and tell us how many you thought there were, and someday we'll post the answers to the question.)**


	7. Answers to Lie Chapter

**And now, after that long amount of time, we present the answers to the last chapter! Here is a list of all the lies that were in it:**

* * *

"You know, there were some people there who I've never seen before in my life!"

_Actually, he HAD seen them before, he just didn't know them very well._

* * *

Triss rolled out from under the fireplace.

_This one should have been obvious. They always roll out from under the couch!_

* * *

She pouted. "Of course not! I was going to suggest we go to the apple orchard."

_This is a lie. She was originally going to suggest they go to Wal-Mart_

* * *

"No one knows why, but he's the twenty-sixth wonder of the world."

_Yet another false quote. Clem is really the twenty-fifth wonder of the world._

* * *

"I don't have any sharp pointy objects. Can I use this cactus instead?"

_He did so have a sharp pointy object. He just didn't want to get Clem on it._

* * *

"Certainly! Clem won't know the difference."

_Clem actually does know the difference._

* * *

They all reached up and picked an apple.

_LIE! Triss didn't pick an apple, she picked an orange._

* * *

"I'm on my break!"

_Clem doesn't have a break. This guy was actually a stunt double._

* * *

"It's good to be cool."

_This should have been "It's good to have an image."_

* * *

"I can't know everything!"

_Pfffftt! Yeah, right!_

* * *

Martin, Triss, and Tammo were sitting in a tree.

_This is a lie, too. They were really at the lost and found._

* * *

"Wanna go watch Clem jump out the window repeatedly?"

"Sure!"

_The didn't want to go watch Clem. They were just trying to finish the story with as little confusion as possible._

**Total number of lies 12**

**Did you guess right? If so, then congratulations! Next question, is this the end of the story? Or will we think up more random humor? Who knows! **


End file.
